"Then looking at him, Jesus felt love for Him and said to him, 'One thing you lack: go and sell all you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.'" -Mark 10:21
I have a lot to prove. In fact, you have to understand something about me not many remember. You have to know I desperately wanted to be just like Jesus. I wanted to follow Him. You already know I was not allowed to follow Him in the end, but that was not the hardest moment. No! The hardest moment was just before that when He looked at me.
Have you ever had Jesus look at you?
When Jesus looks at you, He really sees you. He saw something about me I had not known about myself. When He saw me that day I knew my allegiance to Him was not as strong as it needed to be or as I had thought it actually was.
When Jesus looks at you, it changes you. When you are seen by Jesus, there is revealed within yourself those soft spots where you are not as committed as you thought. He knew my weak spots for inconsistency, selfishness, and self-righteousness. He saw each point of insecurity and self-loathing. He saw each of these and more when He looked at me.
It seemed to grieve Him. It was not until I turned to walk away that I realized why it grieved Him, because it was not until that moment it grieved me also.
There are still parts of my heart and life which are not entirely committed to Him, and I cannot truly follow Him in union and connection. There are things, which still stand between me and Jesus. He saw them and was sad with love. I eventually saw them and I am still sad with love.