Heaven without Jesus

Jesus, I want to love you so much I desire you more than this earth. I want my heart to desire you and not simply the things you give me through the cross or the things you promise in my heavenly home. I want to know that my heart would want nothing of heaven's beauty if you were not there. I want to know that you would not need to wean me from this earth the hard way because I would happily leave any comfort this world offers me to be with you. I want my heart to be more concerned with what you are to me instead of what you did for me. I want your cross to daily be more than a utility and instead focus on the beauty of the One who died  upon it. I want to stay awake and long for your coming instead of being comfortable and sleepy where I am.

I want all these things and regret that my heart does not always often live and act the same way.

You are my greatest love, and I want to live in such a way that I do not lie.

Contain

You cannot be far from meonly I can be far from You You fill the earth like the ocean fills a submerged cup

You are not contained but contain

Thank you for Pain

The interesting thing about leprosy is the MAIN ailment is the absence of pain.  Because leprosy patients do not feel or know pain, they often do self-destructive things and know nothing of it.  They grab splintered rakes and sharp objects with bare hands and know no pain.  They wear very tight shoes and create blistering and festering sores they only see and not feel.  Leprosy patients are absent of pain, but it is that absence which dissolves the reality of destruction happening to them all the time.  We ought to praise God for pain. We are SO quick to get rid of pain when it is that pain which tells us we need aid.

There are parallels to be drawn to spiritual and emotional pain.  Without it we would be callous and shut off...which is destructive to our emotions, spirits, and souls.  We make it easy by trying to defeat pain.  It's like we don't want to hurt, but what if that hurt is exactly what keeps us from destructing.  If we felt no pain, we would only be a spiritual leper...an emotional leper.  The craziest thing is that lepers are afflicted, but I, as an emotional leper, afflict myself.  I resound with lepers of Biblical times and silently scream, "UNCLEAN!"  I am a spiritual and emotional leper.  I shut off my own pain sensors by covering them up and saying, "I'm not hurt...I'm tired of being hurt...so I won't be anymore...I'm tired of hurting...I'm tired of caring."  So begins a self-destructive disease.

I get so terrified of pain that I shut myself off from it, but without it...without being honest about my pain, hurt, real emotion, I just destruct.  I am self-afflicted, but can only be healed through the grace of GOd.

In recovery!  Experiencing pain with gratitude because at least I feel.

Eye of the Storm

Like any storm, which has an eye, so also is our life.At the center of storms is the eye, which is completely calm and tranquil. When our life is an incredible storm, where everything all around us seems like hellish storm, there is always a peace in finding God at our center. When God is our center, there is always a tranquil peace.

The storm may not disappear and may rage on all around us, but we ALWAYS have the center, to go to for peace IN THE MIDST of our storm.

A little god's prayer

O my God, help my heart forget myself so I can find rest from the weight of being my own little god. I am not as strong or important as I think or believe I am much of the time. I spend so much of my time, energy, and life trying to prove myself.

I have what A.W. Tozer calls 'the burden of pretense'. I want everyone to see my best while I hide my poverty at all costs. It is exhausting. I am a sinful man like every other, yes, but the exhausting part of it all is actually in the effort it takes to look other than and more than I actually am.

I do not have to expend much effort to be sinful or to admit with all of humanity that I am a sinful man. It is exhausting to uphold what I am not. It is exhausting to uphold my little god status. It is heart-breaking when people, as they inevitably must, attack the idol of self I have crafted. It is no wonder we find little peace when so much of our life and reality is spend in tireless and fruitless effort to be and appear more than we really are.

God, rescue me from this tireless effort. I am weary and heavy-laden with this burden. Lay upon me your yoke of meekness and peace. I am not as strong as I think I am or appear to be.

On "Not the Jesus I believe in"

There is common reminder that Jesus was not the messiah they expected to see, but not much has changed in history. So many people have an idea of what they think a king, a god, a messiah should look like and do.

Even while Jesus hung on the cross in Matthew 27, people passed by "hurling abuse at HIm, wagging their heads and saying, 'You who are going to destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days, save Yourself! If You are the Son of God, come down from the cross." So when Jesus is doing all those things in a different way than they think He should, they deny Him as king and true God.

IT is still the same today. They mock and ridicule Jesus for not being what they assume He should be. We do not get to define what Jesus should be or do. Yet, this is what believers and non-believers alike will consistently do. We need only accept Christ as He has presented himself to us in Scripture.

On Silva and Following Jesus

Peter's denial of his impending denial in Matthew 26 is a reminder to every follower of Jesus that over-confidence is the first step toward falling. The more confident we are in our own dedication, devotion, and ability to withstand temptation the further down we have let our guard.

We are like a fighter who gets so confident in our ability, we start to let down our guard to a point when our formidable foe takes the chance we gave him in our over-confidence to knock us out.

When Jesus tells his disciples [us] that we will fall away, it ought to be a sobering reminder to take this seriously and realize we are not as strong as we think we are. We ought to humbly keep our guard up.

Celebrate the prodigal too quickly

I thought some more about the prodigal today.  I have read and heard that story on countless occasions.  As a child who longs for grace, unconditional Agape love, I cheer, with all Christians, for the prodigal and his father.  We never grow tired of hearing this parable, and we cheer with delight in our hearts at the sight of the fathers unconditional embrace and the prodigal's humility.  We imagine the prodigal's poverty and leap for joy at the prodigal's humble return.  We see the prodigal lag his way home and watch the Father run to his battered and poor son.  We go on the Father's joyful demand to get IPA and T-bone steaks with excellent joy for the prodigal's return.  We read with great joy.  We cheer for the prodigal.

We live like the older brother.  When the story is read and enjoyed, I walk past drunken homeless people on the streets.  After the thrilling STORY is over, I get pissed off at the people around me.  I weep for joy at the prodigal's return home to loving arms, and then I write a scathing status update to someone.  I get all caught up in the greatest PLOT of grace and unconditional love ever uttered or written, and I have the hardest time accepting continued mistakes and life patterns in my own family members.

I work hard to be the best Christian I can be for crying out loud, and here are all these people around me who aren't even trying. Here are all those people who do not understand that I am a Christian who wants to be all I can be, and they just go on like it doesn't make a difference.  I believe in a God of unconditional love and grace and I loath the congregations who don't get it right.  I am the prodigal here...not them!

Right?

It is not just a parable.  It is not just a fictional thriller to read and put back on the shelf until the next time.  It is a story that serves as a humbling reflection of the reality we live every day.  Like every parable, it is easy to associate myself with the good guy, the hero, but I can ALWAYS equally associate myself with the villian.

My heart breaks when I realize I cheer for the prodigal and live like the older brother.

A Hypocrites Precursor

What you read on these pages will not always reflect perfectly my life's actions.  Thus the struggle of living out the way we wish we could.  Thus the fight to do what we want to do instead of doing what we do not want to do, and what we do not want to do...this we do.

I am a writer.  This means I love to write.  This means I express well through written (typed) word.  But I am also a daily-broken human being with imperfect feelings, hurts, pains, angers and frustrations.  I resound the words of Phillip Yancey, "I soon discover that I write about spiritual disciplines far better than I practice them."  The concepts I write about, valid as they may be, are nevertheless hard to live.  Does this mean I do not WANT to live them?  Of course not, but I suck at it.  The reason righteousness is so hard is simply because I suck at it.

This challenges my comment toward pastors, teachers and Christians, "Practice what you preach."  Who am I to say they are not trying to practice what they preach, but like me, remain children of an Abba who understands they are humans who cannot wish themselves into perfect and righteous action.  They who struggle to do what they wish they would, but it does not and should not take away from their exhausting desire to fight for righteousness and holiness and unconditional love received and given.

Sit and allow

Child,

I am not here to speak to you.  You are not here that I might teach you something.  I ask you to be restful right now.  Be silent and quiet.  I do not ask you to do this so you may DO anything else.  I am not going to speak to you.  I merely ask that you are silent and just LET ME LOVE YOU.  Just be still and drink in my love.  Don't sit and think too heavily ABOUT my love.  Just sit quietly in my lap with your head on my chest and just let me love you.  My love is not an ideal, a theology to study.  My love, right now, is my action.  I am LOVING you.  Just be still in my arms and just let me love you.  Be still and drink in the love that radiates around you RIGHT NOW only awaiting your silence...your stillness to fall on.  If you are not still, you will only rustle it about.  But if you are still, my love will pour upon you like snow in a globe.  You CAN BE covered in my love, but you must be still and allow me to rain down on you more love than you will ever be able to contain.  Don't think!  Don't listen for me.  For I have nothing to say to you right now.  I only have something to give you.  I have only to love you right now.  Rest and BE LOVED my wonderful child.

My evangelistic fame

Have you ever spoken a word of the gospel to anyone at my workplace? In my imagination, I see an interview about my evangelistic fame. I REALLY saw my past coworkers respond, “Huh?  PC? Famous for WHAT?  Well, I don’t know….PC was a great guy.  I mean I knew he was a Christian, but he didn’t come in here preaching or anything.  He was pretty cool about it.  He knew I was an alcoholic, and he still laughed with me.”  “You know,” says another, “now that I think about it; I can remember times when the store was crazy, and PC kept working hard to help where he didn’t really HAVE to.  I don’t know how many times he helped us in a bind.  I never noticed it then, but in retrospect, that guy really did work hard.”  “Yeah,” chimes another.  “He knew my husband was killed in a car accident last year, which left me to raise 2 teenagers alone, and PC listened to me every time I was stressed by kids, pained over my loss of companion, or just tired of work.  You know what?  I really think he cared about what I was going through, and I think he shared the joy somehow.”  Similar stories go around in this hypothetical interview of my coworkers.  Then the journalist goes to the coffee shop I ALWAYS go to.  He talks to ALL my friends and family…Christian and NON-Christian.

After its over the imaginary article reads, “PC Walker was an evangelist.  PC writes in his book, “Christians are so devoted to speaking the gospel (God's love) to or at people instead of living the gospel toward people.” (pg. random #, see footnote).  His living out of the gospel reached more people than all the sermons he ever preached, more than any book he has ever written."

I hope that, in reality, I will be remembered by everyone I will have moved on and left in my past as a man who lived the gospel better than he preached or wrote it…..